Sometimes it's hard to see the bright side and anxiety visits like an old, unwelcome friend in the night.

I didn’t plan on sharing this song with anyone originally for the same reason that I’m hesitant to share the background that follows: because it’s about a part of me that I generally try to keep to myself. However, I’ve decided to share the song and the background because a big part of why I’ve decided to start sharing music is so that I can be more authentically myself, and that includes the parts of me that I usually keep hidden from view.

The version of me that most people see is someone who is positive, good humored, even-keeled and grounded. I have to feel pretty comfortable with someone to let them see a more picture of what’s going on inside my mind. Although I didn’t realize it until fairly recently, I’ve struggled with stress and anxiety for most of my life. As a naturally introverted person who seeks solitude and who has a constantly running internal monologue (or dialogue at times), worries can snowball in my mind.

As a teenager, I’d regularly have night terrors where I’d semi-wake in a panic, not knowing where I was and think I was trapped. I’d frantically feel around the wall until I found the door and opened it to help me realize where I was.

I put a lot of pressure on myself and am constantly fighting the voice in my head that tells me that I need to do more, do better, be better. I wasn’t aware of the extent of this until a couple years ago, when I called a counseling hotline because I’d spent a sleepless night unable to get out of a cycle of anxiety and stress that I was feeling. After telling her what I was thinking for a few minutes, she stopped me and said, “I’ve only heard you talk for a few minutes, but I can already tell that you put an extreme amount of pressure on yourself”. That realization hit me hard.

In high school, I had a student teacher who was friends with my cousin. He said to my cousin, “I think most people see Andrew as a happy-go-lucky guy but there’s a lot more going on underneath that”. I appreciated hearing that because it felt like someone finally saw beyond the surface level.

I think it’s interesting that the music that I felt most comfortable sharing first (the album) either avoided digging too deep into my own emotions or coupled these themes with happy-go-lucky music. In some ways, that mirrors my approach with people; you have to get to know me well before you’re able to see what’s going on beneath the surface. This song, “Mr Bluebird”, is an opportunity to show people what I haven’t often let others see.